I married at the age of 28, late enough not to wait to have the first kid. Moreover if one is lucky enough to have caring elders, they would be kind enough to give suggestions regarding priorities after marriage. It was sweet November of 2013 that I got married and then excitedly found in February 2014 that I am pregnant. The news was happily received by both of us. I had done absolutely no planning for coming nine months. I am usually spontaneous and learn after doing the the things, so far my experiences have not been bitter to discourage me from being spontaneous.
All of a sudden I had started to feel weak, a low feeling in the mornings making me uncomfortable to get up from bed. Sometimes, while taking bath I had a puking feeling and only water came out. It all made sense when the pregnancy detector showed positive results. So what's next, I started talking to people who had the experience in near past. A lot of different and versatile experiences came to my exposure majority being good. It was just two ( me and my husband) of us in a two BHK fully furnished house, completely oblivious to the necessities of running a home. Both of us worked in the same organization and account which obviously had its own side effects along with a set of advantages. Before marriage, I never had the chance or need to take responsibilities where I had to act as mistress of a home. I always had the comfort to only take care of myself and my work. Rest of the things were happily outsourced. So it was just few months ago I realized that I was not able to switch to a homely life, which is something I am learning gradually and of course am better than I was five months ago. So switching to a married life and pregnancy occurred in tandem to me.
The first trimester was more like a perplexed set of situations wherein you don't understand what's happening. I remember after coming back from work in the evening I was a dead horse not even able to get up from couch, leave alone cooking. In this early stage there is no visible change that happens to body but everything else gets impacted at mind front. Feeling restless, irritable, uncomfortable at any time of the day becomes part of the routine. Eating becomes experimental, eat it next time only when it doesn't come out the first time. Added to this discomfort, is the fact that the pregnancy is usually not disclosed to people at this early stage. So, if you feel restless in the mid of a workday, make your mostly men managers convinced that you need to go. I remember my first trimester fell in a phase very critical to the project I was handling solely. This was with added fact that I had developed a repulsive feeling towards my immediate manager and was not sure if I was really enjoying my work. But then when you work for SIs, work gets allotted in a way that you have absolutely no say over what gets assigned to you.
Finally, both of us decided we needed support from our parents and got it from my in-laws. I read long ago in some article, " Girls, be nice to you mom-in-law, husbands can't take care of kids". I would not have better realized that when you marry, you just don't marry a guy but also his family. In India, I few cultures we have a process called "kanyadaan", meaning the biological dad puts the hands of daughter in the hands of the guy with mantras signifying, dads' turn of taking his daughters' care is over and now it's completely the responsibility of the guy to take care of the girl. A caring, understanding partner becomes necessity in these times and of course a supportive family. But we live in real world and not a fairy land, hence sometimes something somewhere falls short of expectations and the best way is to accept the reality and sail through it. Keeping expectations low too would help.
The most challenging thing that happens is visiting maternity hospitals and that too regularly. I remember the first visit made both me and my partner restless and worried as to how would we make it every few weeks with our work schedules.
I must say that I have been lucky with most of our decisions in life. My workplace and hospital are both at walking distance from my residence. This removed many other nuisances which could have been.
Visiting hospital gradually gets added to the routine and you get well accustomed to it even before noticing that.
I came to know from my elder sister that usually mom-in-law provides needed guidance and safety tips to sail through nine months. My sister was guided well by her mom-in-law. Well, not all mom-in-law falls into this category.
One of the most common facts that I was ignorant about was I am not supposed to get up straight as I used to, rather turn to my side and then get up. I came to know this when at the end of three months I had started bleeding heavily and had considered that to be the abrupt end of my first pregnancy.
I remember that morning, when I went to the nearby park for meditation and felt the bleeding making me rush back to home, called up my sister who said to visit the doctor immediately. Went to the hospital in an auto and was immediately taken to doctors' attention. That morning the required nurse was late and doctor did not have equipments to examine me immediately. I was bleeding nonstop. I was taken to another room and after examination she said the foetus was all right and was sent for next scan. In the next scan, the doctor declared I was having a low lying placenta causing bleeding. Really? If you would google about low lying placenta you would understand that it could lead to severe consequences at times. Also if it doesn't move up on its own, expecting mother has to be on bed rest for entire nine months! Could anyone in this situation enjoy pregnancy or not treat pregnancy as a disease? I was admitted in the hospital for two days, another interesting fact, in the hospital a lady attendant was required else I had to shift to some other less privileged room. Those two days turned out to be most tortuous for me. I was given injection to stop bleeding thrice a day on my hip. One was at midnight. My back was poked so much that it had almost become like a bread with visible pores. Fortunately, at the end of two days bleeding was controlled and I was permitted to return back home. I remember, the doctor, an above middle aged lady saw my reports, noticed low lying placenta and said, "it's low lying placenta, so placenta has to go up, nothing can be done from our side but injections, so better don't get annoyed or irritated with injections". Alas!, didn't someone teach her that patients look towards the doctor very optimistically and also expect some moral boost from them, their rudeness impacts the patients for sure!
I frankly do not accept that I had a low lying placenta. The first three months of pregnancy needs to be handled very carefully. Relying too much on information shared on the net could be misleading. Moreover in India, even doctors don't say it openly that having bed pleasures is not recommended during pregnancy, leave alone couple asking them the same. In fact why don't the doctors coach us the safety measures themselves rather rely on us to ask them everything. That too I am going to a very reputed and highly expensive hospital. Sudden jerks or movements are best avoided. The fact that our body doesn't change in the first trimester deceiving us to act the way we did before conceiving. In the next visit to doctor, a very pleasant lady, soothed me by saying she too had bleeding problem but that doesn't stay longer. She later also confirmed that my placenta had moved up in a tone that made me feel that I never had a low lying placenta.
Oh, how can I not talk about the work front! I was asked to take at least two weeks bed-rest after bleeding but I could work. This was more than just ridiculous. How could I keep lying down and code? I was given WFH for two weeks after revealing both my pregnancy and the emergency. I was able to work as being completely workless would have made me more sick. In a girls life these are testing times, with a tug of war between staying strong or quitting it all. Thanks to increasing financial demands, the other side always looks weaker. After two weeks, I made up my mind to go to work and I did. I could never have cursed the government and public more for roads and not following traffic rules respectively.
Arrival of second trimester gives the same feeling as the first rain after a dry summer. The baby hump becomes clearly visible. The irritable nature subsides. It is the best time to really enjoy pregnancy considering the other surrounding factors are good. I remember talking to friend who now has a year old kid had said, she enjoyed second trimester by outsourcing homely work like cooking and staying just with her partner. I remember her saying, it is good you stay just with your partner in this time and be prepared to receive a lot of love from him in this time. Two things, first we girls inherently are not comfortable with in-laws <lol>, second, with financial indepence, we depend more on our partners for emotional support and love. In these times, Indian men need to be really careful as most of them do not have it in their genes to treat girls with love, respect and dignity.
Pregnancy doesn't come alone, right from the beginning the increased expenses prepare us for the future indicating that expenses are going to shoot up in near future. So, if one wants to live in above-middle class fashion, even two salaries might not be able to keep you away from financial worries. But mind you, you are not supposed to take any kind of tension or stress during pregnancy. I very well know that such requirements are more than just impossible to achieve.
Second trimester is the time when short distance travel are allowed and of course conditions along with doctor recommendations apply. Any kind of shopping or outdoor work should be considered in this phase. I am not a big fan of online shopping and think I should have done more of shopping in the second trimester. Shopping to me is a great way to vent out my anger, irritation or any unwanted feeling for that matter. Higher the amount spent, greater is the complacency. This was the first time, I bought dresses of size L, earlier it was rare that I bought any other size than S. The body looks filled from every possible part, so in case anyone had complained of not having a perfect figure due to some part being small, will make up for that. <chuckle>.
Going back to day job's front, you would be able to work better. It's better to surround yourself with positive people and it almost becomes mandatory during pregnancy. I am not sure if there are specific policies in different organizations to give special attention to pregnant women but of course the situation demands that. I remember when I used to sit continuously for hours I had ugly back pain. Working on something that required lot of thought process, made me feel irritated at nights. Comparing it with normal days, I am used to work for long hours.
Usually, seniors who are dads would stop by my seat and give me suggestions and also different pregnancy situations depending on their mood.
Any weight that was lost due to vomittings would be gained surplus. This is also the time when craving for eating different things would start. I remember myself in different locations ranging from KFC to sweet shops. Basically, any dislike towards food gets overly compensated. It's strange that I was forced more to eat in first trimester compared to the next two. This could be due to the reason I started over eating myself in the later trimesters.
Let me touch another sensitive topic now. Indian society even this apparent advanced era is happy to see women in traditional wear. Any slight expose of hideous parts puts the lady in a bad category. But
what happens to the woman's body during check ups. Oh my God, I remember the first scanning done to confirm the pregnancy and foetus heart beat. Thereafter, any scanning done reminded me of the saying from Srimad bhagvat Geeta that human body is of no significance, it's the soul which is eternal. This actually made me accept the ways in which my body was treated while scanning and check ups. And then again, I am not sure how would some orthodox society accept if the doctor in the scanning room happens to be a male. In Ramayana, goddess Sita refused to fly on back of Hanuman as she did not voluntarily want herself to get touched by any man other than Sri Ram. With current circumstances, can we women even think of slightly being like Sita?
As pregnancy advances and approaches the due date, I don't know the pattern in which the emotions and thoughts change. I remember having good moods to incessant crying. But if I have to put in simple terms, I would say this pregnancy has brought some very tough situations and feelings for me to be conquered. But as is said in the movie, The best exotic marigold hotel, if difficulties faced are accepted one would sail through and reach the other end whereas if one tries to complaint about them or knock them off, survival would be impossible.
Moving to last trimester experience, it was only at the starting of mid seventh month that I have started feeling frequent foetus movements. This reminds me that at sixth or fifth month my mom had said that the baby must be moving a lot inside (as if I had provided a playground within) but on saying that was not the case, she exclaimed, "Oh, is the baby not strong enough?". I have got the feedback from many of my friends too that all comments and suggestions should not be taken seriously.
Sleeping at nights becomes a challenge. You would not know when would some joint start paining. Having someone who could massage when required is no less than a boon. Continuous sleep becomes a distant dream. Sleeping on sides becomes mandatory, even to change sides, I have to get up, orient myself and then switch to other side. I must add that practising pre-natal yoga has really helped me to a significant extent.
Going back to work life, at the end of seventh month, I was very clear that the last two months would not surround around 9 to 5 routine or any kind of stuff I don't like to see in my surroundings. So even if that called for lot of discussions and exchanging emails, at last I am currently out of any deadlines or people I don't like to see. This gives me the freedom to choose the routine I am comfortable with, practising yoga at flexible timings, reading books, sleeping in afternoons or in short complete relaxation. I know of many ladies who take pride in reporting to work till the last day before delivery but I did not feel the necessity of being the same. I don't know if people decisions are fear driven but currently I am enjoying bench period before taking maternity leave in a couple of weeks and I don't mind if my current organization kicks me out for asking bench period. I completely understand financial stability point of view before taking such decisions.
I have closely seen pregnancy and delivery only in case of a pet cow, my dad had some years ago, when I was in school. I remember, she was given some extra nutritious food as the delivery was near. I don't exactly remember if she was given oil massage too at times. But one thing I remember clearly is the difficulty she had while getting up or lying on ground. It took a while for her to calm down and restore her normal breathing. We humans are blessed with the capability to speak but how would a cow say if she was feeling hungry untimely or she needed to eat something different. I don't know why but I have developed a great sense of respect for cows now. I remember at the moment of delivery i was asked not to be around her and leave her. As soon as the calf was out, I saw her licking the baby and removing the sticky material all over its skin. Within hours the baby got up on its own feet and the mother was more than just happy to feed it with her milk.
Currently, my only aim is not to overthink what lies in future rather just sail through it, though I tend to over analyse every time. Before I end, I would say this experience has made me to conclude that a woman needs to be respected just because she is a woman. She already has a bulk of responsibilities levied upon her naturally.
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